I think there are 3 modes of me

I am different in mornings, afternoons at night. Somehow I think that makes me Bipolar but then of course I wouldn't jump into conclusions like that.
I am the most productive in the mornings. It's the time of the day where I would make up all sorts of ridiculous plans and try to fulfill them. However, I am also not a morning person and for most days I feel so tired in the mornings that I seldom accomplish stuff that I need to do. So in the mornings, I would wake up early to write in my planner and then either sleep in the library table or continue sleeping in my bed. I know I sound so lazy and no, caffeine doesn't help. Somehow my body has an odd way of processing caffeine to only make it work at night, when I really want to sleep.
I am hungry in the afternoon. There's lunch and tea time and dinner and I could have just have them in the afternoon within a few hours. I am productive before lunch and I will normally make my lunch time to be as long as I could so that I could actually do something but somehow my stomach grumbles really loudly and the silent part of my brain will go "EATLUNCH EAT LUNCH/TEA TIME/DINNER"
I am always nostalgic at night. I will think about everything that I've done in the past 18 years at night. Although I cherish these thoughts for self-improvement, it sucks that these feelings will always go out of hand and I will end up with insomnia and hence the sleeping-in at mornings. I have a need for hoodies and blankets at night and shows/movies/TV episodes are a must. I seldom get any studying done at night because I'll get tired after dinner and will yearn for a nap. A NAP. I will wake up at 1 a.m in the morning automatically after the nap.

I want this blog to be a diary

Something that I can look back into in 20 years and say OMG I can't believe I've ever felt like that before.
I started this blog way back in 2010 when I was still in secondary school, and then I completely forget about it until I randomly stumbled upon it today.
I was in such a different place back then. Back then I was naive and in love, I couldn't get into anywhere that is not in walking distance, and I somehow still had this flicker of hope that life is perfect and that he does love me.
Well, he didn't. Don't get me wrong I am happy that he moved on, and I am happy to have known such a perfect person like him.
For June who loved this garden, for John who always sat beside her.  
I learn the significance of this quote because of him. Whenever "When You Say Nothing At All" comes on the radio I will cherish the moment I felt so happy and secure when he was there. 

Act Like a Lady, Think Like A Man

"I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much but at least that means that I still care. Oh! You've think you won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way but you don't fall in love that way either. You have not won. You're alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit but I'm still a lot closer to love than you are."

I know that there are a lot of dating books out there who gives girls (have you ever noticed that almost all the dating books are targeted on women, alone?) "advice" as to how to act, how to date, how to speak, how to pick up a man, how to reply text messages, how not to do this, how not to do that, how not to expect from man, what man don't do, etc. In my opinion, these books is merely useful for one purpose, entertainment.

Oh well, maybe they are of better use for all the men around the world than for women, though they are too ego-istic and manly to claim that they'd ever heard or touched such book before. (Almost all the dating books in the world is written by a man) Well, although they haven't, these books will surely help all the chauvinist in the world in providing a huge array of women who thinks alike, who puts up virtually NO expectation from men, who is carrying all the buck, women who unconsciously gives up all their expectations/romantic dreams from men and simply demise them as "that's just the way men are" and such. For me, these books, basically serves a purpose to de-feminize women, and basically just describes them as a tool to please the men.

Men, come on, who cares that much about your expectation or the way you work? Society have came to a point where we all are considered equal, and that bigblackwolf cannot believe that us woman are still so backwards in these areas and are severely compromising ourselves to give men an "out". Let's face it, its time to tell ourselves that we can live without men, have money without the help of men, and even have babies without men.

We have come to the point where we can sit around and NOT think about what men wants, not learn about how to act to live up to a men's expectations, and certainly NOT scaling back our expectations in order to find a "man's love" and to have men "pull their weight" or to learn that we have to sleep with a man whenever they ask because otherwise they will leave us.

Maybe its time for the men to scale back their expectations as well, and to start living in the 21st century.

0/5

Wheresoever He Was, There Was Eden.

The hardest thing to define in the world is love. Sure, there might be attempts, by many of the accomplished publishers, researches, ministers. poets; but the only thing in the world which does not have a written formula for, or a proven recipe for, is love. Thus, because of this, all human beings strive hard to find love, through various ways, such as family love, romantic love, religious love, sibling love, brotherly love, friendship love and some other love in which bigblackwolf have yet to heard of.

For the sake of the interest of all the young people, middle age people and old people alike, of course, this post is about the yucky romantic love. Only.

Does love means happiness? bigblackwolf have no definite answer about that too. Though, bigblackwolf have been told when she was young that it does; a prince will rescue a princess from some kind of trouble; and then they will proceed to their happily ever after lives. After close observations to many of the married couples in the world, we can almost see the contrary; people who have claimed to have experience love do not experience a "happily ever after", yet they do get some sort of fulfillment, joy, happiness, company, and the occasional bickering, fighting and heartbreak.

Thus, this leads to another question, does love means company then? Or maybe the willingness to forgive? bigblackwolf knew a friend that has given up on someone that he loves, so that she could be happy with the guy that she was already with. Do you think that this is true "love", that there is a willingness to sacrifice? Or would you call this man a coward for not being able to stand up for his own "love"? Or would you say that the love was not passionate enough that the man didn't dare to take the supposed risk? All in all,  from bigblackwolf's big eyes, it does seem to me that this friend do really love the girl intensely. But then again, what is love?

bigblackwolf too, have came across the feelings of love, however seldom nowadays compared to when she was young. He is smart, cute and funny, and bigblackwolf loved spending time with him. bigblackwolf does think about him everyday, all the time, and therefore dedicate this quote to him. However, does it mean that this intense feeling will last forever? bigblackwolf is not really sure where that the belief that this feeling of love MUST last forever originate from, but have no chance but to oblige to the social norm, especially when she lives in such a traditional country.

Which brings to another question. Can love only be felt with the "one" person? Then how do certain societies justify polygamy. If the former is true, then we certainly pity the folks who would never experience love in their life. Maybe next time for them, then.

All in all, bigblackwolf is also not a philosopher, a musician, an artist, an accomplished writer , nor is she close to Shakespeare that wrote 154 Sonnets that is entirely about this topic. However, she would just like to say that for this moment, whenever he was, there was Eden. And she definitely hopes that this moment will last forever. Love is what makes the world go round, after all, "great medical breakthroughs does not happen because one is a genius whatsoever, great medical breakthroughs happen, because one is scared as hell to stop trying."

For June who loved this garden, for John who always sat beside her.  

If I were a boy (Nonsence)

1. I would marry the girl of my dreams. 
2. I would become a businessman, because I love wearing suits, as it shows my power.
3. I ,like a normal guy, love hot girls. 
4. I would throw all my makeup away, since they are carcinogenic and annoying especially when you're running late. 
5. I would date many girls, actually. 
6. I would hate kids. 
7. I would relish the fact that I don't have to wear skirts. shave or use conditioner. 
8. I would like to go to those Indian Barber Shop in Little India with red, white and blue lights. 
9. I would actually exercise, because I want ladies to want me. 
10. I would be kind of a jerk. 

What about you?
The possibilities are endless.
But I definitely know that I were a boy/man, I would not be a good one, or the one that many girls hope to end up with. Therefore, I am very lucky to say that I am not a boy.

Why Wolf?

1. A wolf is mostly misunderstood, and commonly regarded as a "bad guy" thanks to many children fables such as the widely known "Little Red Riding Hood"
2. Even if a wolf is evil, he does it for survival. 
3. An evil wolf will always get a bad ending, and he would learn from his mistakes. 
4. A wolf's life is tough, as he would have to fight for everything that he wants. 
5. Nobody would sit around and pity a wolf, much less think that a wolf is cute, pretty and thus a wolf seldom gets advantage from its features. 
6. In fact, everybody assume that a wolf is evil by just looking at the word "wolf".
7. If all wolves are evil, then a nice wolf will be an outcast in its community, and thus will be shunned away and alienated.   
8. A wolf comes in many colors, many shapes and many sizes.  
9. A wolf is brave, strong and durable; because he was well trained as a pup.
10. Whenever a wolf feels sad, he runs to a mountaintop to howl, since sadness is a sign of weakness in its community and therefore is regarded as an unacceptable behavior. 

What Becomes of the Brokenhearted.

 Somewhere in June, from a physical diary written by bigblackwolf

I know that there are curious minded people out there in the world who are tremendously lucky. That leads them to asking this question: How long does it take for a broke heart to heal? Well from my experiences You never do heal from a broken heart. Just that sooner or later life is gonna smack you in the face again, and you have to pick up all the trash and move on. Deep down inside, a broken heart, like a broken China, will never heal.

I am writing this while motomoto is on the other side of the world hopefully, enjoying himself. The lost that I felt was very hurtful, for without him I have trouble making decisions. For a long long time whenever I buy a product, or whenever I make a choice, I always think about the same question "what would motomoto do?"


And it wasn't easy.  The longer I stay away from you the harder I felt I know you, much less your decisions about the smallest of things in the world. Thus I became further entangled in this bubble of misery that I would do anything to get out from. Sometime in my life, an uncle told me (albeit his motivations) "You don't need a lot of money in life to be happy!" Right now I am starting to agree John. You don't. There are just enough things that money can buy, even opportunities, but none of them, will make the sun shine brighter, or in fact, in my case, causes a snowfall in the equator.


C'est la vie, motomoto. That is my favourite phrase.
 "edited"
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Strangely, motomoto, today I woke up in the morning feeling lighthearted and cautiously optimistic about the day. Your memory had faded away and I couldn't really picture your face anymore. In fact, to have carelessly stumbled upon a diary entry that I have written long ago and felt bemused about it, have only proven one thing, I was wrong. Our heart is made up of many cells, that according to scientific theory, will be replaced after every 28 days. I guess that is one of our advantage of being human, that we still have a chance after we screw up, if we were brave enough to walk out of the gloomy dark path. Today, motomoto, I am happy. Today, motomoto, I have successfully put the past behind me, albeit happy OR terrible it was. Today motomoto, I hope that you never come back.